Things I want off my chest and brain

It looks like i'm living the sad life.I really am sad.I keep on avoiding social media.I stopped college.I do not not know any idea why I live in sadness.I only went offline for a week. It's not like . I just don't know i feel really misrable. I hunger for potatoes and pizza.

Now that, im not in college I can do whatever I want.I really stopped opening every single social media.I go for some chat's on hobbo .But it seems that there's nothing much interesting. The chats seem boring.Hipster outfits seem to be more mainstream .I really do not like it anymore. Its getting annoying just like Anime. But whatever I've done to my life. Well nothing much seems that I just want a slice of a sandwhich.My spelling is kinda bad.

I tried vlogging one day than I completely quitted it . Ugh. It's just not going the right way. Im not even going to cook. Its really annoying waking everyday to be told what to do.I really hate it.I even tried cleaning the house.Im really angry about it. I really hate my life right now.I do not want to do the chores.It's like I do not even have real friends. You know even if they were they would be boring.

I really have a lot of things that I hate.I just do not know , where to start.I mean you reading this right now reading that i am complaining making myself to get over it.I really hate it. I mean the college the lecturers.I only want to be alone now.It's best I do absolutely nothing. I'll tell myself when I' am ready.

I realised I was never happy in college.I looked back at the March posts to May .None of them had happy things about how I did happy in college.Everyday was just unbearable .My heart did'nt feel good either.I did'nt feel happy in college or healthy.Friends help a ton , but my heart was'nt .I should of known by the start.I feel really dizzy.I also developed suicidal thoughts of myself.Im just not a doormat anymore, I just dont deserve being one anyway.I'm a thoughtful person.The same thing I will sign up for college.But i'm still hesitating.When you are accepted I felt really happy.Those days are gone.Those expectations were honestly really high when the reality not so true.I was not happy at all
i'm being 100% honest.I wont ask for college just yet.I am thinking of different things.I'm developing brainwashing myself to just discard all those sad memories.I want to know how to be more happier in college .

college was tooo much for me. It sucked my life so bad.I'm really sad how I'm treated in the real world I mean I don't think it's right.I quit that college because how I'm treated nasty.I really don't text
anyone back.I know I really have to cope with it but I'm trying to be polite. But  really I'm not happy at that college.Specially if the lecturers are way underestimating me. And I noticed a lot of that.Maybe I just don't belong there anymore , no matter how much people that I helped at the community college. I risked my emotions there.But let's face it college gives you less sleep.And less energy.My face turned pale. It really made my life sad worse.I tried finishing my work. But I guess
I  frogot about it , because my work was unaccomplished. But seeing all the things I've been through
It's just the first semester. I'm not saying college is a bad place .I have time issues even friend issues
and seems like I have to accept it.I see other people smile and joke around , I just don't think I'm part of that anymore.

I just feel that I'm not that special. I was nervous about orientation. It scared the heck out of me.It was just like the dreams when I always in that moment where things just risk at a small amount of time.After only about 1/2 of months which is now I just stopped college. Of course I'm still friendly
But I just think I deserve better.People get angry even cry for better place. I will still sign up for college again , and I tried sharing my thought's with everyone. It really helped me a lot. But after what i saw and risked I should be more effortless.I did not know that all those things were planned
Next , time I should give more time and energy .Well only 30% on the lecturer.The other 70%  I should actually look at the work that I'm suppose to be doing.I was not ready.It would be better if  I knew all of that. So next time I mean I should not participate in any events. If I studied at home everything would be finished
But because college risk time , emotion and agility I had no hope there . The fact is that college only teaches you a small amount of things that the whole world knows.I just make lot's of mistakes.


Now , that I'm no longer In college I would like to think more about important things like my health
I really took advice from people. I want to spend more time offline. I actually belief that I'm not good enough. Now that I wont able to participate there anymore. I just want  to say it's just the first semester I mean I've been there for only a week.The truth is that I'm just not good enough there.I don't want to participate in any event's if I could finish everything.Most of what i learned really bugged me off.Like in 32 people in the class room there is always  2 people who always underestimate me. The only thing I got was being sad.

Through communication  I mean there are annoying things that I should stop thinking of like. Through app's the groups make you worry way too much.It would be better if I did not even download it. I mean there would be always someone complaining.But thing is mobile internet communication isn't really that important.I mean that made me really stressed out . I know people want to know about my progress . But really you can't blame me for everything.I'm just a human like everyone elss. It only helped a little in my  group.


But other than that some people just need full attention. I'm not one of those person. I can't respond a little of it,
I want to help.But people need to understand to respect each other.  Friend's aren't really the place to give all your thoughts away on the phone. I rather like to speak to people and give notes that are much important to me thank you .But by group It helped worked in groups a lot.Because its not the same information. So if  I want to know It's better to have a second number for  only important messages the other people I do not really respond . If  there is like group works. I really depend on whatsapp
I really need to know why whatsapp is sooo important It did not really help me as much . But I did help a lot of people even from the start. I mean  I helped a lot of people. But after all the event's that I had I really became more sad depressing and my critical low energy. The problem with me is that I have low energy. I'm trying to be more polite.But for my health I really need to skip few classes Because I need to finish more work .I should even skip events.Because I want to think about my work. College doesn't have to be North Korea everyday,But you do really need whatsapp for my dad to come and pick me up.But I really don't want to use it. I'm really happy I helped a lot of people.Instead of myself being more I dont know . I have high problems on time.Maybe I should see my lecturer to finish a little work .That's a better way I think.That way you wont have to feel guilty.


Ok now I need to say or elaborate my personal issue's. The first thing that come's in mind that is I'm to shy. I mean I don't like it when people tell me what I cant do. So I really stick to others main objective.Which is good thing. I do like being in groups.It's just a certain things I'm not compatible with people. I tend to ignore it .But actually It's really important.Friend's are really important.I don't like asking there for if i don't ask I just ignore the whole idea. I'm not trying to be rude to not reply.But you have to understand that I'm trying to have a little time to solve everything . I need to keep in mind that  I have a lot of other choices. It's more ok to just froget it all.Whatsapp only helps a little. It's better to be without it you know.Dealing with a number of group intentions will make you more depressing. But the good thing is that I finish loads of work. You need everything arranged an correct order. So  I should not risk whole of my thoughts on other agenda's.People aren't shocked if I stop college , maybe only a few. But I already made my own decision.

I'm going to order everything I need . I should even buy  a printer you know.I do really need it !!!

okay so it's end of holiday and im pretty sad because im not prepared I wish i had a diary to oh my Iwant a diary so bad!!! i never kept a diary for so long. :(( I wish I had one . I want a diary so I could write the sad days!!Its so super important because im being really sad in college!!I have'nt opened my old email in years!!!!I have to go pray quick !I want to make vlogs!!!I never started youtube.I want to have happier life I need to finish my work quick as in college homework!!!







Omg i thought everyone frogot about me and like that was quite sad!But when i went to social people talked to me . I'm so blessed that I actually have friends to talk to !

procastination day

since im on holiday ive been extra lazy!.I recently cleaned my room , and made an organizer from a shoe box.I feel quite extra sad today. Probably because i'm not in mood.I'm suppose to finish my sewing homework since i took fashion  this first semester. I'm gonna make videos TOMORROW if i got time .AND i'll create a mini doll fashion . And make an instagram account for my barbie fashion line. All i want is to take a walk and eat some sweet things    😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀💔🔽❤💗💗😃😁😙😍😈😅😻😻🙂😊😼😇😺😄😸 Okay so YEA i got to write more because my life is so sad!!!!!

MY LIFE IS STRESSFULL SERIOUSLY LIKE GOING HOME REALLY LATE I FEEL LIKE A LIVING ZOMBIE NO I DONT WANT TO STAY WITH FRIENDS I NEED MY LONELY PLACE TO CHILL OK I GOT ALOT OF WORK TO FINISH LIKE SERIOUSLY PEOPLE ARE GIVING UP ON ME BECAUSE I ISOLATE MYSELF  OK ROUGH TIME I NEED TO FINISH ALL MY HOMEWORK!!!!RIGHT NOW IM REALLY LAZY!!!!!

hectic week of college I still need to find stuff for my college I still  have alot to do . The amount of pressure is just ridiculous .People getting in their skin while i'm getting dizzy, hungry and thirsty .The lecturers been  really high on anger as all ways.I'm not making much friends either because probably their busy i'm busy too. I have to clean my room this weekend. On monday I start on a good day so I don't have to really worry.My work will finish late because i'm not in mood to finish my work .So I'm kind of focusing in more stuff.And when my work will finish.As for my fasting I need to take a break.Because I will be more calmer when I am fasting :) . No worries .

I noticed it's only been 2 weeks that i started college .But I realised over these couple of days im sad.
It's like just walking and like I have no expressions left.I also loosed weight I realised my tummy is flat I lost appetite in food. I also have no detailed feelings , perhaps I just dont feel like talking to them. Or probably that I replaced them with a slice of sweetness. Yes I miss sweet things. And it's starting to rot my heart and im  out of inspiration. I thought that sadness was just an expression and it did not effect my life due to my numbness. I also make my room smelly with my dirty clothes, dirty thoughts..I'm just not happy anymore , I don't think there is a cure . But my life has been quite miserable. Just imagine waking up at 5.30 am showered all clothes ironed.Than skip breakfast and some slice of happy time.It's like i'm having food hallucinations of burgers, cakes and nutty doughnuts. It's like those cravings become a daydream , i tasted those dreams turns out what i craved for was salty.Those dreams did not taste good at all. I'm not really focused anymore. And since I have'nt planned my happy time im just hopeless. Froget of those silly burgers and those silly cakes. Atleast I should been more thankful. But than these shopping online made my brain crave for cheese. It's like I desire something that i wont get. But this is what my reality is. I mean it's just hard to say I'm just not this college material anymore.And people like sharing selfies together , while people use instagram. I don't use instagram anymore because I dont really exist as friends there you know. I just feel like deleting all the pictures there.There's too much mess  there and  I dont have style there.Yes i'm complaining atleast this will make me happier.This is my New friend Mek'ah thesilly cat

i was so nervous yesterday seems that today everything went well.which is pretty cool .! i love today its like a better day than my underated yesterday when i was unhappy and depressed ...

so nervous about tomorow learning to use the industrial sewing machine my gosh :(
its like i havent opened my camera for a while now and i feel soo exhausted i didnt took a shower
my socks smell like cheese.I just hope i survive tomorow

First semester of college orientation, day 1 ,day 2, day 3

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME IN COLLEGE , I'V E NEVER BEEN TO COLLEGE BEFORE.AFTER FINISHING HIGH SCHOOL I WAS UNEMPLOYED AND NOT EVEN GOING ANYWHERE .RIGHT AFTER 17 I STAYED AT MY HOME IN SARAWAK, LIMBANG .FOR 5 YEARS UNEMPLOYED AND BASIC PROCASTINATE  WHICH ENDED ME TO SADNESS CALMNESS HELPLESS. 
IT IS MY FIRST TIME, AS RIGHT NOW I'M TURNING 22 SOON ON 29 TH MAY.IM BORN ON 1995. 



First time of college was exhausting, everyone seemed happy. But these faces wont last long as they occur there's a lot of work to do.I'm not stressed but, my complains is my back. I do not want to make this controversial as this time is the first try and when the lecture is talking I should give full attention

Than when I have my assignment which is probably next week I have to give the same amount of attention. It's full "OCD". I just think this step by step is just like OCD full attention the same amount of time to to be finished not only that but the produced product that I could acheive ,.

I' m not learning it yet but this is just what I self interprate.

I should talk more briefly starting from ORIENTATION which was on 6/3/2017  which was just 2 days ago. If I have more time I proceed to tell you I just need more details to explain to this blog.I just want my work to finish properly.I'm not as good as drawing im kind of bad at it.My drawing is sooo messed up. Don't worry I will still think of a way to acheive the right drawing and sketch.I wont be participating in any activities since I only want to fully focus on what will happen I'm no good at it .So please help me Pretty please!!!

Thank you for reading I hope I will make it this semester I'm trying really hard to even draw things!!!Everyone's drawing are way better !!

It's me again, I know i've disappeared but I really don't know anymore.I just have'nt enjoyed life the way I used too.Thing's are'nt the same.It's rather really uncomfortable cooked in silence. What's left in my life is furniture with no one. I probably have'nt ever liked being social.I guess I just have to go through this life anyway , alone.I mean I don't need sympathy , I have sin's i'm not going to lie.I will try less complaining less swearing less controversy and publicity,I don't write for no reason I have my own purpose of being here.I noticed that things are'nt what we actually wanted, I have my choice , but since people place me here that's why. I really don't like it, no one does.Really my hope is crushed like i'm allowing this to happen.I wish for onece people would actually realise me if i exist. But actually theres no difference.I'm equally nothing , to be honest.This mind is who the actual me is , it's not someone elss. I'm not a person who simply fits in. Do i like reading?No .Do i like understanding. Yes.I'm being very honest , so you have to understand me. Please read this yourself and onece you fully understand on your interpretation than maybe it will be your opinion. This is my life that I have to go to anyway .The truth does hurt does'nt it ? I'm really bad at my spelling I know.Being me won't change me . I am comfortable with who I really am. I am in one piece that is partly broken numerous of times but this wont change me.Why would you want to be someone elss?It's just not right.I have my own problem's , procastination and excuses. But really is it really worth it. No .I know who I am.People simply just objectively put you there and make a simple conclusion that you are'nt good enough.It's ashameful to me that even this society actually does this look down at you.Well It's partly my problem I know it and maybe I have my own problems. But seriously people are just being fully honest whether i like or not.You think im complaining.Well majority would say yes .But you should know everyone has feelings.My life here has been full attempt failure, there's no hope.But this is what highschool is partly a place that I will never get good grades. I mean the more I read the more I want to vomit.Again i'm being very honest that reading torture's your soul.I'm not saying this as a bad thing.It's just me who cant follow what you learn in books have real meanings. But remeber i'm not this part of person.The other thing is choosing others like if you don't fit in you just , rot.Highschool is the most worst place to be if  you are me. It's no wonder people want to stay at home. Doing the things that I personally never liked. It's completely fake if I liked reading same goes to cooking I never enjoyed it. But really I lied by using the word never..I do enjoy at everything.But really majority of the time was just stupid.Fake smiles everyone.The thing I really personally liked was being alone.And pretending to understand.Don't get emotional. Just don't. Calm down.Don't you feel annoying when someone goes fully angry for no reason.It's annoying you need to calm down .I know you want it your way.But truth is I don't want it your way. I'm being honest , I know im rude but why do you have to not listen to me. I really hate this overly emotion. Fine than cry away.Because i'm done.I feel sorry for you.But you think you are so buff than take it,

Bright realife nor , fake.

My glasses getting dusty, as the wind blows.Feel's like someone's following but when glanced back no one.When my foot step on a leaf , the sound crunches.The bangau's in Limbang were so free as my presence.The bird's flew away. As the wind blew as if I could fly with them. My mind was so dizzy at home, going outside was a treat for myself as I could enjoy it, But I did'nt go song .No matter

30 minutes was already like 1 hour of just green leaves the color of purity clean , No mean rude thoughts.This is what life took me being happy It repaired what I used to feel froget the bad things.

The color of the tree's were so bright that lime color that spreads my mind and they all live and smell

naturally.Loneliness never hurt me i'm not alone im with the living plants and cells that stick on me..

Being back in this room feels so empty since when did it become so sad and you know. I miss the outside air and when i don't get enough oxygen I become sad depressed lazy.I need to reconstruct

myself piece by piece , because my memory has been crushed by bad event's. I know I seem complaining but this is realife I don't live in a fantasy land.But where I've been outside was breathtaking and it made me feel calm.My mind is already destruction and my life is already crushed

of underestimation. I've been trying hard to fit in with the others seems we can't always be with friends. So alone I mend the broken memory's and all the thing's won't come back. I feel going there

again I just feel that I need to go somewhere where isolation brought me.

THE STORY OF THE ANNOYING HOBO ITS ALL MY FAULT

• 
• 
  
• I wished I just have a better experience ok so heres what basically how i met this "habbo'
• Ok So first off at 2015 I was looking for hobo coins because at that time it was hard to get so
• you have to go play some games my main experience was it was hard to even get 4c i mean seriously
• just for furniture but now hobo has been more friendly with furniture.So i got random free furniture
• at some rooms some of them who are quitting hobo.Its my fault i guess after meeting so its not about the furni or money its like 2hours of life squeezed in this and you have this life where you can be friends without going there just type besides its more safer to type that way you could keep yourself\
• annoymous.So i was attracted by 1c giveaway i mean well i really wanted coins but now that
• i dont search for coins fake coins to be exact on hobo. Well there were alot of hobo lining up for coins
• but i dont think anyone got it. So that's how i really met him so he added me on friendlist.From there
• we didnt chat as much but at that time i only started hobo.So just in mind that there wasnt much detail i could remeber of this.
•          So This is my habbo lifeokay so this is why my life is gone downhill I feel                like quitting  cuz im not that special
• to them anymore 
• 
  
• 
•                                           OK MAYBE I WENT LITTLE CRAZY FOLLOWING HIM
• Yes I know you it's a place to make friends so people think they could find a relationship there
• which is pretty annoying its like It just hurts being used and next time you know they wont
• care as you much anymore
•                       
• 
• 
  
• I really care about my life and friends.I know people want to find relationship but seriously this is isnt the place I think the only thing I got was myself getting sad. Sure its fun being friends with
• new people but seems we are'nt anything to them anymore. Everything is replaced with just 
• basic hate and most of the time for me on hobo is partly only being sad. There's a point where you
• have a good experience but than its just nothing I mean its like basically nothing .They don't really
• want to know about it and its like things are just trash even when they hide their own thoughts
• 
• I can't face up to the facts anymore he is just jealous I mean why is he like this not only he lied
• about the 1coin giveaway but maybe he did gave it . But he's a basic destroyer he comes to my life to squeeze in some time too just make himself into a jerk.This is the original him he uses people to be part of his relationship for only his greed .He used to be different but seems i've never situated this close of him the steam for his mouth.I felt like a dragon cooked in balacava
• volcano and i used very harsh words.Im tired of it now. Feel's its for the better he's gone.Now that he raged on my new friend.The reason why he is mad and angry is because he actually cares but the way he shows it is full with assumption trying to make me look tincy like a bacteria.Now he asked me well this guy that what was our first conversation. To be real there was'nt an actual real conversation. It was him that tryed to talk about these controversial topics that try to make me look like an idiot. Now at this time he 's perfectly not accomplished as what he is.There's too much negativity with him I mean I think only his own friends understand .I felt so angry depressed for several times. But I know allah is testing my faith based on if i truely belive and dont get neglected or be lied. This test made me full emotion. But this is what faith i have built against. Im not trying to hate. It's just that I'm not made for you im obsolete imbecile of you that cant provide you an anwser.But still why do you hate me . I've done nothing to you .What did i do. It was you who decided to keep . But I dont think I would agree.Just to think I GET TRICKED no NOT ANYMORE SPICE.SORRY TO SAY..

ok blog so ive been complaining so much about my life this time is about my social life, like wise no one cares about my life on habbo and its so sad well lie its just that im not special enough for them and this is just what im complaining my friendship is going downhill and to honest that makes me really sad and i stopped making art and ive been sleeping late all because i'm waiting and searching for someone who is specially for me and it's really hard and i get hungry sad depressed its like a mess of chaos you know my food decision is like my whole life of this food hallucination and this friend hallucination that are'nt real. To be honest my life is disaster..

I find it hard to relax
like its very hard for me to relax
and like my life is like chaos
Its like i'm allways dizzy
It's my complain , I know
But really I need more help than relax
I mean friends will give a little advice
And well Its time for me to get less time on the laptop
I want to give the laptop a lot of rest
I want to only use this when ever I need to
I hope my life will get better Inshallah

ireally need to get rid of my jjunk its so messed up and my room is double messy and i get sad hahah!
but seriously i'm really annoyed of my junk i mean i really have to throw most of it ITS REALLY ANNOYING GOSH

you know its not far from end of january and ive changed a bit, and i still dont like it

i really need therapy, its just very frustrating now its like i have to throw most of the junk in my drawer. I feel like vomiting yuck..

ya allah aku tercicir kenapalah jadi macam ini subahanallah astaghfirullah aku mahu bertaubat dari segala dosa bukan apa aku sudah leka dengan asyik berhiburan menyanyi lagu,Besar betul ujian Allah  swt

hi blog so this time im in Limbang and I have pets so right now i have to take better care of them like i know im like super duper lazy and ussally at 6am my mom already fed them so at 12.00pm afternoon they become slightly hungry so like i have to give more food to the other cat because maybe its pregnant again,And im glad that I dont have a boyfriend or kids or a husband right now never had one or kids because im scared i neglected them or even worse getting divorced that be so messed up and sad so I'm only focusing on me and my family because you know its already hectic.Why its hectic the main reason is because I'm not prepared so everyone has this tamptrum where everyone gets mad and neglected i'm mean lack of love or social. Because im not in college or having a job because i was scared of being bullied I mean I really need more help and im going to find the time to be organised and to be honest i'm really shy of vlogging and If i had a child that would be more hard  its because im not prepared so I know its hard and I cry even more but thanks to the social media it gave me more hope .I love playing with dolls you know I guess I dont mind taking care of babies.But they grow up to fast and life is moving to fast i just want to slow down you know fix my problems make some new friends socialize relax figure out the best way to take care of my problems and if there was like a child than I guess I would take better care and on schedule and make a time table in case i froget what I did wrong and I'm really lazy you know because in my mind I allways thought of crying screaming about is sorry ok because in the real world sorry is unfrogivable
I know my spelling is bad but I really need help and prayers to cleanse my mind again and to those who are sad or critically sad or depressed you know im just here to help reconsider im trying to help you and please rethink what have the important things im trying my best yo help but what i honestly what I want to say is im trying im learning im doing new things now and being alone jobless and not in college has just gave depression its like sitting in this room because im scared of going outside but eversince i have been vlogging im ok with this life. I really hate outside people assume things that are'nt correct to what physically look or dress because you have 'nt really asked them did you know?