new me new goals

 Hi again blogger I do say you would not like me . But , I am no longer who I was I am going to write

more about personal growth. Money is not a fun topic at all. I can see capitalism in games and such.

    Yes furthermore , the post's that I have updated on 2025 were posted by me. But , why would I convince my own viewers just because of the sake of a silly game. I already went through too much. It's ok people love to cherry pick. But I forgot I have my own life and my own tree , that people can not achieve . I am pretty precious .Let's say its capitalism at its best. 

Regarding the old post  , I am this that .I think you all choose a side .Which would never be mine. Everyone needs to own their own freedom and actual privacy.

First thing is I would not talk about a few things . First thing is my actual name and details. I will not disclose my intentions if you try to be rude . I will not be hanging-out in the public rooms. As for the other

preposterous problems that no one can be solved . I will not be engaging in this atmosphere. But lets say this was onece upon a time ago. I will not correct onece .Let me do my own errors!

Anyway because this piece of metallic waste is just that. Why would I not talk about other things.Like hello . WE ARE ACTUAL HUMAN BEINGS!

Habbo IP Banned me because I called someone A BIMBO #HABBO

 ONECE UPON A TIME IN THE LAND OF HABBO.I SENT A PICTURE OF XI XIN PING TO 

HABBO CUSTOMER SUPPORT .BECAUSE I KEEP BEING BANNED ALL THE TIME.ONE TIME

I REALLY GOT TO LOGIN MY ACCOUNT

BUT I ALREADY BEEN ATTACKED BY THIS USER CALLED

https://www.habbo.com/profile/purple

ANYWAY THIS PERSON CAME OUT OF NOWHERE AND STARTED TO CALL ME A TRANS

I ALREADY SCROLLED THIS PERSONS PROFILE.I SEEN ALL THEIR BADGES . NOW THAT I ALREADY KNOW .ONE TIME THIS PERSON JUST CAME AT ME AND I CALLED ME TRANS

I ALREADY PUT THE PERSON ON IGNORE.BUT NOW I FOUND OUT THAT THIS PERSON HAS BULLIED ME .I WENT TO CALL THIS RANDOM BEACH A BIMBO BECAUSE THIS PERSON BULLIED ME FOR NO REASON FOR 30 MINS STRAIGHT AND APPARENTLY THIIS PERSON AKA PURPLE HAS A MODERATOR FRIEND .THEY ARE BOTH EVIL BULLIES JUST LIKE ALEXANDER THE ONE WHO REPLIES AT HABBO CUSTOMER SUPPORT.THEY ARE CAPITALIST THEY ONLY UNBAN YOU IF YOU PAY A LARGE AMOUNT OF MONEY.

Things I could never accomplished

     I wish i weighed less. 

                    I wish i finished college earlier.

                                                         I wish I could actually talk to a man that i could really understand.

                                       I wish that I was not bullied in highschool

        I wish I healed earlier

                       I wish I felt better back then.

               I wish i had more support

 

never sleeping at night anymore

Hi again welcome again if you are reading this...
I do not want to sleep at night anymore because i feel like there is an empty gap in mind
it is like there is something always missing . I am not lucky. But I do not know what to do anymore because I am crazy.

So anyway I still am lurking , dude life sucks but why do people keep being mean at me for no reason though. I forgot to change my profile picture . I think i will be posting more on my blogspot . I need to update my style. I relied alot on makeup lol. 😁. Hey anyway i think i want to loose more weight . People are so mean sometimes I really dont get why.Anyway people are being so rude to me . I really need to finish my intern book maybe i should do some coding too . I am so bored . I need to loose my weight you know i wonder if people still read my blogspot. 

Listen , I attracted alot of haters and I am starting to think that i need to express myself more with fashion . Work from seems weird though . I am scared if someone from college would read my blogspot , i want to keep this a secret with my friends. Maybe i could update on what im growing 🥬. I have been growing alot of stuff.

I CLOSE my eyes AND SEIZE IT ~ death grips

early birds

The early birds are chirping. I can not stop thinking about going to sleep , I have been ded ash

Things change way too fast

When things are not mainstream anymore. things were probably better back then and we wish we want that time back. I feel like social media is just a waste of time . Because I can not relate to other peoples achievements , In other words I am actually a looser. I feel more happier that I am far away from people who care too much. I feel more free as ever. But you know it's probably the same thing everyday. I want to do soo many things . Like organizing my trash, I feel like its very life changing. I am also staying away from friends. It is just because I have better things to do. I want to watch my seeds grow. I want to learn new things.Go offline stop caring about what others think . No more complaining just do . I am going to fill more things in life. I also want to keep recycling . Plant my own vegatables.

Anyway while people are being happy , You know . Does life become better, will i ever go back to college seems impossible. I need to move on . Because I have no choices. I dreamed I had too many long dreams, One time I painted the sea, I dreamed i drowned in my own painting. I no longer use instagram because I feel my privacy is long gone. I DO NOT want it anymore. I want to be free. I maybe a bad influence. But I have cried silently long enough , and my body craves attention and health. I do not need what others think. This is just same thing as playing dolls. I know people do not like it , But  I am much more happier alone.Music is ok . i actually have everything maybe I just have to leave forever. Because what if someone needs the things that they do not have . I feel non-existent

Why do people want to care too much anyway. Because as far as i know we do not need your opinion. I feel like i do not need soo much apps in my phone , Because phones are actually for emergency and receiving calls from family and the other important things.But Phones are actually garbage.I dont take pictures as much anymore , Because its not really important,Why do people even care what I am doing , Nosy people just really got to stay out of this.

why i hate my life

Everyone who is reading this . Everyone seems to hate me. Even I hate myself. Anyway the reason why I am making this is because I Do Not want to Vlog anymore. I noticed I keep attracting haters. I really do not like my family anymore. Why do they always tell me whats right. I think I actually lost my freedom. It's like I want to go far far far away from here. I find it hard to realise that everyone in my family is selfish. Why am I the one who is ignored. OMG

 someone joined me it is Benny!

People be like memes

More of making my life better

1.BEnny

2.Milo drink

sweet Nona is here too

:(

my room is a mess. more complaining nice. i wish i never met this person. i will tell who. But i guess you would already know. My life must be some lie. Maybe I should leave this life too. Non existent hmm.I wish things better, Keeps getting worse. But just stay cool and do not lit the fire. I do not like the word cool. But , you know how things are bit weird. I just have to keep being lazy in this mess. 
Maybe I should froget  FROG ET  

But i'm scared about future , because things would not be the same anymore, I feel like I would not be accepted by this . But the internet is not real anyway. It's just a projection of our reality. What if our real life is not even real. Born into this family. With all details. I know people do not think like me. But why do we wake up everyday. Death does not mean that , in reality we keep to continue. I  feel neglected by myself and made the bad choices. People are tired of my excuses anyway. I love failure. Now that I am no longer tidy person. My room has accomplished to a mess. Which is what i wanted in the first place. I am not stable. Why are rainbows sad , upside down smiles. But its just the same things I go through. My relationship will never last long anyway. I do not want to fall for it. But It never existed anyway. But of course I am lying. The truth is suppose to be private. Because we are imbaresed  idk how to spell 

Now that I think of it . I did not do anything. But Its just hard to say that . Nothing actually happend. Because Nothing is real. People only think its real because of majority people thinking the same way.
I also hate people swearing . I do not want to mix people with this. Some people are just not what i seem to like . Do you understand me ,. It's hard to say that I am not choosing the future.  But i did decide to do it. You wont understand me anyway. I do think majority of people will think the same.

Maybe he is hiding from me. Or just feels A N G E R Y  because i blocked him and does not wish to see me. But sometimes he feels like replying. I do not know anymore. I have not been through much relationships, Because I feel better alone. But now permanent markers just stay. Its like forever.
Maybe he does not like to be handled . I guess that is my bad. Jasper does not like being cat handled
I just want to ask you . But I guess you want to run away . I get it. If you leave that is ok tooo.


Im very stupid for making this decision and i hope things will burn away.   

My antisocial life gap.

Wow people hanging out with each other. Pretending that they single. blergh. what a waste of time. I
think that people just do not care about me. I rather not be fake friends. I also hate twitter. THAT PLACE IS MOST ANNOYING.

The cruel life of Bepis ....

Today pegaffy has made a choice . Yesh a berry wise choice! I have made a new Social Media Account. Feel's weird , but I must take risks. I know I am a noob Level 3 . But trust me all will be revealed. I know this isn't my first instagram. But my second. So hopefully someone who actually cares follow me. Because I'm not having a great time. I deleted my Insta back in late June. But Now on Halloween I decided to make a change, I've Isolated myself very much. But with hope from friends you can now decide to make me feel happier. I basically failed at SOCIALIZING. Soz this is very painful for me to see everyone happy. I did not get back the feedback that I needed. I HAVE SEEN HAPPY PEOPLE. but onece I seen its fake . I no longer rely on it. Ignorance hurts me the must since I need a little attention even if its 1 second of 3 sentences of yours!

Goodbye Him

When I bought the strawberries it already bloomed a flower, but afterwards The strawberry grew . But I did not pick it . So it molded. Months went , and days of sorrow because I could not bring it with me. The tree died .The pathogen spread quickly but silently. My love was dying anyway,. I tried to water. And the crown rot. I did send him attention , kindness ,frogiveness. But he just ignores me . I do not feel the same way anymore. Ever since , he took all the sweetness . It is not his fault. The other tree grew Big Beautiful. The runners became more and more . But the wind hit my Strawberry tree breaking the stem. So I dug the strawberry plant . And removed all the runners. Leaving one stem to remain. I am quiet sad. My strawberry seeds wont grow. Because It is impatient love. Now that it is rotten . I nurse the plant. But pampering you is poison too. I do not understand why the start he liked me. I was very confused. But I fell in  love with instance , Which makes sense why . I do not understand why I am used. This time people are just going to love than throw me in the garbage. Where I belong is in the Landfill. The truth hurts but we have to go through it. What do I do now . Why does not, People get married , I understand . But I guess Its just not for me. Its just that the society pressure's me. Because Everyone at this age is getting married, But I do not want to be played. It is possible to completely froget someone . Because It is haunting me, What have I become
a monster. What did I do to you. Because everytime I want to aproach you just get away from me.

Everything does not last forever, I guess that It's just nothing. Everyone go's through this. I do not understand why. But the future is secret. If we know the secret now . Than it will be useless , and people will be more unbothered to know.

I Hate myself

Ok I have been addicted to snapchat

I never used it soo much

But Now that people actually look at my stories.

I said  alot of nasty things to #caleb

I know but it is the only way to make him reply

I could not sleep very well last night

My room is a mess.

I still have not signed up for  college

Like if someone even cares

I do not think that he would want to even talk to me

But Now I know that I am nothing to him

Things I want off my chest and brain

It looks like i'm living the sad life.I really am sad.I keep on avoiding social media.I stopped college.I do not not know any idea why I live in sadness.I only went offline for a week. It's not like . I just don't know i feel really misrable. I hunger for potatoes and pizza.

Now that, im not in college I can do whatever I want.I really stopped opening every single social media.I go for some chat's on hobbo .But it seems that there's nothing much interesting. The chats seem boring.Hipster outfits seem to be more mainstream .I really do not like it anymore. Its getting annoying just like Anime. But whatever I've done to my life. Well nothing much seems that I just want a slice of a sandwhich.My spelling is kinda bad.

I tried vlogging one day than I completely quitted it . Ugh. It's just not going the right way. Im not even going to cook. Its really annoying waking everyday to be told what to do.I really hate it.I even tried cleaning the house.Im really angry about it. I really hate my life right now.I do not want to do the chores.It's like I do not even have real friends. You know even if they were they would be boring.

I really have a lot of things that I hate.I just do not know , where to start.I mean you reading this right now reading that i am complaining making myself to get over it.I really hate it. I mean the college the lecturers.I only want to be alone now.It's best I do absolutely nothing. I'll tell myself when I' am ready.

I realised I was never happy in college.I looked back at the March posts to May .None of them had happy things about how I did happy in college.Everyday was just unbearable .My heart did'nt feel good either.I did'nt feel happy in college or healthy.Friends help a ton , but my heart was'nt .I should of known by the start.I feel really dizzy.I also developed suicidal thoughts of myself.Im just not a doormat anymore, I just dont deserve being one anyway.I'm a thoughtful person.The same thing I will sign up for college.But i'm still hesitating.When you are accepted I felt really happy.Those days are gone.Those expectations were honestly really high when the reality not so true.I was not happy at all
i'm being 100% honest.I wont ask for college just yet.I am thinking of different things.I'm developing brainwashing myself to just discard all those sad memories.I want to know how to be more happier in college .

college was tooo much for me. It sucked my life so bad.I'm really sad how I'm treated in the real world I mean I don't think it's right.I quit that college because how I'm treated nasty.I really don't text
anyone back.I know I really have to cope with it but I'm trying to be polite. But  really I'm not happy at that college.Specially if the lecturers are way underestimating me. And I noticed a lot of that.Maybe I just don't belong there anymore , no matter how much people that I helped at the community college. I risked my emotions there.But let's face it college gives you less sleep.And less energy.My face turned pale. It really made my life sad worse.I tried finishing my work. But I guess
I  frogot about it , because my work was unaccomplished. But seeing all the things I've been through
It's just the first semester. I'm not saying college is a bad place .I have time issues even friend issues
and seems like I have to accept it.I see other people smile and joke around , I just don't think I'm part of that anymore.

I just feel that I'm not that special. I was nervous about orientation. It scared the heck out of me.It was just like the dreams when I always in that moment where things just risk at a small amount of time.After only about 1/2 of months which is now I just stopped college. Of course I'm still friendly
But I just think I deserve better.People get angry even cry for better place. I will still sign up for college again , and I tried sharing my thought's with everyone. It really helped me a lot. But after what i saw and risked I should be more effortless.I did not know that all those things were planned
Next , time I should give more time and energy .Well only 30% on the lecturer.The other 70%  I should actually look at the work that I'm suppose to be doing.I was not ready.It would be better if  I knew all of that. So next time I mean I should not participate in any events. If I studied at home everything would be finished
But because college risk time , emotion and agility I had no hope there . The fact is that college only teaches you a small amount of things that the whole world knows.I just make lot's of mistakes.


Now , that I'm no longer In college I would like to think more about important things like my health
I really took advice from people. I want to spend more time offline. I actually belief that I'm not good enough. Now that I wont able to participate there anymore. I just want  to say it's just the first semester I mean I've been there for only a week.The truth is that I'm just not good enough there.I don't want to participate in any event's if I could finish everything.Most of what i learned really bugged me off.Like in 32 people in the class room there is always  2 people who always underestimate me. The only thing I got was being sad.

Through communication  I mean there are annoying things that I should stop thinking of like. Through app's the groups make you worry way too much.It would be better if I did not even download it. I mean there would be always someone complaining.But thing is mobile internet communication isn't really that important.I mean that made me really stressed out . I know people want to know about my progress . But really you can't blame me for everything.I'm just a human like everyone elss. It only helped a little in my  group.


But other than that some people just need full attention. I'm not one of those person. I can't respond a little of it,
I want to help.But people need to understand to respect each other.  Friend's aren't really the place to give all your thoughts away on the phone. I rather like to speak to people and give notes that are much important to me thank you .But by group It helped worked in groups a lot.Because its not the same information. So if  I want to know It's better to have a second number for  only important messages the other people I do not really respond . If  there is like group works. I really depend on whatsapp
I really need to know why whatsapp is sooo important It did not really help me as much . But I did help a lot of people even from the start. I mean  I helped a lot of people. But after all the event's that I had I really became more sad depressing and my critical low energy. The problem with me is that I have low energy. I'm trying to be more polite.But for my health I really need to skip few classes Because I need to finish more work .I should even skip events.Because I want to think about my work. College doesn't have to be North Korea everyday,But you do really need whatsapp for my dad to come and pick me up.But I really don't want to use it. I'm really happy I helped a lot of people.Instead of myself being more I dont know . I have high problems on time.Maybe I should see my lecturer to finish a little work .That's a better way I think.That way you wont have to feel guilty.


Ok now I need to say or elaborate my personal issue's. The first thing that come's in mind that is I'm to shy. I mean I don't like it when people tell me what I cant do. So I really stick to others main objective.Which is good thing. I do like being in groups.It's just a certain things I'm not compatible with people. I tend to ignore it .But actually It's really important.Friend's are really important.I don't like asking there for if i don't ask I just ignore the whole idea. I'm not trying to be rude to not reply.But you have to understand that I'm trying to have a little time to solve everything . I need to keep in mind that  I have a lot of other choices. It's more ok to just froget it all.Whatsapp only helps a little. It's better to be without it you know.Dealing with a number of group intentions will make you more depressing. But the good thing is that I finish loads of work. You need everything arranged an correct order. So  I should not risk whole of my thoughts on other agenda's.People aren't shocked if I stop college , maybe only a few. But I already made my own decision.

I'm going to order everything I need . I should even buy  a printer you know.I do really need it !!!

okay so it's end of holiday and im pretty sad because im not prepared I wish i had a diary to oh my Iwant a diary so bad!!! i never kept a diary for so long. :(( I wish I had one . I want a diary so I could write the sad days!!Its so super important because im being really sad in college!!I have'nt opened my old email in years!!!!I have to go pray quick !I want to make vlogs!!!I never started youtube.I want to have happier life I need to finish my work quick as in college homework!!!







Omg i thought everyone frogot about me and like that was quite sad!But when i went to social people talked to me . I'm so blessed that I actually have friends to talk to !

procastination day

since im on holiday ive been extra lazy!.I recently cleaned my room , and made an organizer from a shoe box.I feel quite extra sad today. Probably because i'm not in mood.I'm suppose to finish my sewing homework since i took fashion  this first semester. I'm gonna make videos TOMORROW if i got time .AND i'll create a mini doll fashion . And make an instagram account for my barbie fashion line. All i want is to take a walk and eat some sweet things    😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀😀💔🔽❤💗💗😃😁😙😍😈😅😻😻🙂😊😼😇😺😄😸 Okay so YEA i got to write more because my life is so sad!!!!!

MY LIFE IS STRESSFULL SERIOUSLY LIKE GOING HOME REALLY LATE I FEEL LIKE A LIVING ZOMBIE NO I DONT WANT TO STAY WITH FRIENDS I NEED MY LONELY PLACE TO CHILL OK I GOT ALOT OF WORK TO FINISH LIKE SERIOUSLY PEOPLE ARE GIVING UP ON ME BECAUSE I ISOLATE MYSELF  OK ROUGH TIME I NEED TO FINISH ALL MY HOMEWORK!!!!RIGHT NOW IM REALLY LAZY!!!!!

hectic week of college I still need to find stuff for my college I still  have alot to do . The amount of pressure is just ridiculous .People getting in their skin while i'm getting dizzy, hungry and thirsty .The lecturers been  really high on anger as all ways.I'm not making much friends either because probably their busy i'm busy too. I have to clean my room this weekend. On monday I start on a good day so I don't have to really worry.My work will finish late because i'm not in mood to finish my work .So I'm kind of focusing in more stuff.And when my work will finish.As for my fasting I need to take a break.Because I will be more calmer when I am fasting :) . No worries .

I noticed it's only been 2 weeks that i started college .But I realised over these couple of days im sad.
It's like just walking and like I have no expressions left.I also loosed weight I realised my tummy is flat I lost appetite in food. I also have no detailed feelings , perhaps I just dont feel like talking to them. Or probably that I replaced them with a slice of sweetness. Yes I miss sweet things. And it's starting to rot my heart and im  out of inspiration. I thought that sadness was just an expression and it did not effect my life due to my numbness. I also make my room smelly with my dirty clothes, dirty thoughts..I'm just not happy anymore , I don't think there is a cure . But my life has been quite miserable. Just imagine waking up at 5.30 am showered all clothes ironed.Than skip breakfast and some slice of happy time.It's like i'm having food hallucinations of burgers, cakes and nutty doughnuts. It's like those cravings become a daydream , i tasted those dreams turns out what i craved for was salty.Those dreams did not taste good at all. I'm not really focused anymore. And since I have'nt planned my happy time im just hopeless. Froget of those silly burgers and those silly cakes. Atleast I should been more thankful. But than these shopping online made my brain crave for cheese. It's like I desire something that i wont get. But this is what my reality is. I mean it's just hard to say I'm just not this college material anymore.And people like sharing selfies together , while people use instagram. I don't use instagram anymore because I dont really exist as friends there you know. I just feel like deleting all the pictures there.There's too much mess  there and  I dont have style there.Yes i'm complaining atleast this will make me happier.This is my New friend Mek'ah thesilly cat