hectic week of college I still need to find stuff for my college I still  have alot to do . The amount of pressure is just ridiculous .People getting in their skin while i'm getting dizzy, hungry and thirsty .The lecturers been  really high on anger as all ways.I'm not making much friends either because probably their busy i'm busy too. I have to clean my room this weekend. On monday I start on a good day so I don't have to really worry.My work will finish late because i'm not in mood to finish my work .So I'm kind of focusing in more stuff.And when my work will finish.As for my fasting I need to take a break.Because I will be more calmer when I am fasting :) . No worries .

I noticed it's only been 2 weeks that i started college .But I realised over these couple of days im sad.
It's like just walking and like I have no expressions left.I also loosed weight I realised my tummy is flat I lost appetite in food. I also have no detailed feelings , perhaps I just dont feel like talking to them. Or probably that I replaced them with a slice of sweetness. Yes I miss sweet things. And it's starting to rot my heart and im  out of inspiration. I thought that sadness was just an expression and it did not effect my life due to my numbness. I also make my room smelly with my dirty clothes, dirty thoughts..I'm just not happy anymore , I don't think there is a cure . But my life has been quite miserable. Just imagine waking up at 5.30 am showered all clothes ironed.Than skip breakfast and some slice of happy time.It's like i'm having food hallucinations of burgers, cakes and nutty doughnuts. It's like those cravings become a daydream , i tasted those dreams turns out what i craved for was salty.Those dreams did not taste good at all. I'm not really focused anymore. And since I have'nt planned my happy time im just hopeless. Froget of those silly burgers and those silly cakes. Atleast I should been more thankful. But than these shopping online made my brain crave for cheese. It's like I desire something that i wont get. But this is what my reality is. I mean it's just hard to say I'm just not this college material anymore.And people like sharing selfies together , while people use instagram. I don't use instagram anymore because I dont really exist as friends there you know. I just feel like deleting all the pictures there.There's too much mess  there and  I dont have style there.Yes i'm complaining atleast this will make me happier.This is my New friend Mek'ah thesilly cat

i was so nervous yesterday seems that today everything went well.which is pretty cool .! i love today its like a better day than my underated yesterday when i was unhappy and depressed ...

so nervous about tomorow learning to use the industrial sewing machine my gosh :(
its like i havent opened my camera for a while now and i feel soo exhausted i didnt took a shower
my socks smell like cheese.I just hope i survive tomorow

First semester of college orientation, day 1 ,day 2, day 3

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME IN COLLEGE , I'V E NEVER BEEN TO COLLEGE BEFORE.AFTER FINISHING HIGH SCHOOL I WAS UNEMPLOYED AND NOT EVEN GOING ANYWHERE .RIGHT AFTER 17 I STAYED AT MY HOME IN SARAWAK, LIMBANG .FOR 5 YEARS UNEMPLOYED AND BASIC PROCASTINATE  WHICH ENDED ME TO SADNESS CALMNESS HELPLESS. 
IT IS MY FIRST TIME, AS RIGHT NOW I'M TURNING 22 SOON ON 29 TH MAY.IM BORN ON 1995. 



First time of college was exhausting, everyone seemed happy. But these faces wont last long as they occur there's a lot of work to do.I'm not stressed but, my complains is my back. I do not want to make this controversial as this time is the first try and when the lecture is talking I should give full attention

Than when I have my assignment which is probably next week I have to give the same amount of attention. It's full "OCD". I just think this step by step is just like OCD full attention the same amount of time to to be finished not only that but the produced product that I could acheive ,.

I' m not learning it yet but this is just what I self interprate.

I should talk more briefly starting from ORIENTATION which was on 6/3/2017  which was just 2 days ago. If I have more time I proceed to tell you I just need more details to explain to this blog.I just want my work to finish properly.I'm not as good as drawing im kind of bad at it.My drawing is sooo messed up. Don't worry I will still think of a way to acheive the right drawing and sketch.I wont be participating in any activities since I only want to fully focus on what will happen I'm no good at it .So please help me Pretty please!!!

Thank you for reading I hope I will make it this semester I'm trying really hard to even draw things!!!Everyone's drawing are way better !!

It's me again, I know i've disappeared but I really don't know anymore.I just have'nt enjoyed life the way I used too.Thing's are'nt the same.It's rather really uncomfortable cooked in silence. What's left in my life is furniture with no one. I probably have'nt ever liked being social.I guess I just have to go through this life anyway , alone.I mean I don't need sympathy , I have sin's i'm not going to lie.I will try less complaining less swearing less controversy and publicity,I don't write for no reason I have my own purpose of being here.I noticed that things are'nt what we actually wanted, I have my choice , but since people place me here that's why. I really don't like it, no one does.Really my hope is crushed like i'm allowing this to happen.I wish for onece people would actually realise me if i exist. But actually theres no difference.I'm equally nothing , to be honest.This mind is who the actual me is , it's not someone elss. I'm not a person who simply fits in. Do i like reading?No .Do i like understanding. Yes.I'm being very honest , so you have to understand me. Please read this yourself and onece you fully understand on your interpretation than maybe it will be your opinion. This is my life that I have to go to anyway .The truth does hurt does'nt it ? I'm really bad at my spelling I know.Being me won't change me . I am comfortable with who I really am. I am in one piece that is partly broken numerous of times but this wont change me.Why would you want to be someone elss?It's just not right.I have my own problem's , procastination and excuses. But really is it really worth it. No .I know who I am.People simply just objectively put you there and make a simple conclusion that you are'nt good enough.It's ashameful to me that even this society actually does this look down at you.Well It's partly my problem I know it and maybe I have my own problems. But seriously people are just being fully honest whether i like or not.You think im complaining.Well majority would say yes .But you should know everyone has feelings.My life here has been full attempt failure, there's no hope.But this is what highschool is partly a place that I will never get good grades. I mean the more I read the more I want to vomit.Again i'm being very honest that reading torture's your soul.I'm not saying this as a bad thing.It's just me who cant follow what you learn in books have real meanings. But remeber i'm not this part of person.The other thing is choosing others like if you don't fit in you just , rot.Highschool is the most worst place to be if  you are me. It's no wonder people want to stay at home. Doing the things that I personally never liked. It's completely fake if I liked reading same goes to cooking I never enjoyed it. But really I lied by using the word never..I do enjoy at everything.But really majority of the time was just stupid.Fake smiles everyone.The thing I really personally liked was being alone.And pretending to understand.Don't get emotional. Just don't. Calm down.Don't you feel annoying when someone goes fully angry for no reason.It's annoying you need to calm down .I know you want it your way.But truth is I don't want it your way. I'm being honest , I know im rude but why do you have to not listen to me. I really hate this overly emotion. Fine than cry away.Because i'm done.I feel sorry for you.But you think you are so buff than take it,